when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
