Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
