Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
bring money and cleavage
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
