I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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