Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Fuck me I smell like cheese
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
