I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
