It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Me. At least after what I've been through.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
