why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
