went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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