cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
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the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
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Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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