i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
