I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
