The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He passed out mid-signature
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
