Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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