After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
