Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
