Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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