Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Quick, to the slutcave!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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