just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
