She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
