Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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