i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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