It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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