i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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