I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
why do cheetos always look like penises
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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