Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
