He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
