We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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