i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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