Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
