Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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