sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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