Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
