im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
