No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
high people should be assigned attendants
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
