my phone needs a breathalizer
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
