woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
