it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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