drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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