So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
