You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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