I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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