she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We're too hungover to prance.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
