I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
