My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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