i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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