I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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