You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
