i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Can I color on your dick again?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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