From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
