Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
