i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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