I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
